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Wed Feb 27, 2008 3:13 am

Someone posted this on the Brickboard, of course the Bently Bible is the preferred manual but I always try to keep a Haynes and Chiltons on hand for extra reference, with a few of my non VW cars though all I had was a Haynes. I'm sure anyone who has ever had to deal with will get a good laugh.

HAYNES CAR REPAIR MANUAL - A TRANSLATION

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vicegrips, then beat repeatedly with a hammer
anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You WILL skin your knuckles.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in Hell, matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you
are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Try lots of heat, a tin of WD40 (catering size), or a ten
pound hammer.

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez! What was that? It nearly had my eye out!"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
dig out that pesky bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
are throbbing, then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot
be defined as 'lightly'.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it ain't broke... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this, so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
tiny, little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of
the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Bricks are easy to maintain right, right? So you think three
spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you amateur!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for
it whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking
at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought,
it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Adjust gap to specified distance.
Translation: Ha-ha - got you again - you can search this book forever and
you won't find it!

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to
feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs ...
Translation: Snap off ...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift ...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an AAA Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: The bearing inner races can be released by applying light leverage.
Translation: There is absolutely no way those inner races will budge without
the application of a puller (which you haven't got) and a lot of swearing.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book except the thing you want to do!

For Added Haynes Fun: Go to the first section, Safety First, and read
the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book
that uses this form of understatement???!!?

Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these
two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in, "Mine will never
look like that..."

Flick to the end and look at the colour plug pictures, how do these compare
to the plugs in your Brick? If you cannot locate the plugs in your Brick, see the last translation on the list!

Haynes Manuals are (C)opyright of a very disturbed sadist

Wed Feb 27, 2008 4:37 am

Yep. I could not agree more.

You used "kind" words in your translations. Some could have been more politically incorrect.

Wed Feb 27, 2008 10:07 pm

Cheating on us eh? With the "Brickboard"! That little slut!!!

Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:40 am

hwy1westy wrote: Cheating on us eh? With the "Brickboard"! That little slut!!!

The lady says no more VWs (I get to keep the Vanagon but I was hoping to get an '84 Rabbit GTI or 90-92 GTI or Jetta but not gonna happen) so we're looking at 240 and 740 Volvo Wagons and I'm doing research because most of my cars have been VWs and I really don't know much about Volvos.

So I might look at the Brickboard here and there, but I still check TheSamba first thing when I get home.

Thu Feb 28, 2008 7:52 am

That was some funny stuff. You gotta love that British wit and the writer was spot on. Anybody that's ever tried to use one of those manuals can relate.

Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:12 pm

That's a bit strange, RevKevin, that your lady wants you to get a Volvo. There ARE reliable and economical VW's, and why forfeit your learning curve with all things Volkswagen to enter strange and uncharted Swedish waters.

Don't compute.

Best!

Fri Feb 29, 2008 12:56 am

I know, I know...

I've been on the argument for months.

She's basing the decision off the Vanagon and my Audi, which fell victim to a hack mechanic when it started having issues with the hydraulic clutch system.

I really wish I'd been able to hang onto my '90 Golf, that thing ran forever. The alternator, CV, and front pads all went at the same time and I couldn't afford to fix it and needed rent money so I sold it to one of my good friends (having bought it from one of my good friends 2 years before who had replaced almost everything on it and finally got fed up with an electrical bug in the brake lights), I helped her fix it and it was running like a champ until a few months later when she'd been drinking and hit an icy curve and put it into a barrier, we hit a yard and replaced bent body panels, then she ended up spilling some oil on the exaust manifold and it caught fire, so she dumped unmixed antifreeze on it to try and put it out...

She junked it but before she did I made sure she snagged my momo shift knob.